Terri and her co-worker, Jamie, ran into each other in the coffee room. Jamie recalled that Terri was having some work done on her house and asked how it was going. Awful! said Terri. The builder wont listen to me and I have to ask my husband to raise my concerns for me. What a chauvinist that builder turned out to be.
Jamie replied, You should just ask your husband to stop talking to the builder, so that the builder has to communicate with you in order to move forward with the work.
We tried that approach, answered Terri, and the result was even worse. The builder just made his own decisions and we ended up having to move a light fixture after the wallboard was already up. What a mess.
Well, said Jamie, Have you tried sitting the builder down and letting him know that he needs to be able to listen to both of you? He clearly needs a talking to.
Its not as simple as that, Jamie. Weve thought of all the obvious approaches.
Then maybe you should find another builder, Terri. No one should have to put up with such blatant sexism in their own home.
Jamie, asked Terri, what part of my brain do you think Im not properly using? If it were that simple, dont you think wed already have done that?
Incensed, Jamie started to walk away with her coffee, saying under her breath, Dont take your frustration with the builder out on me. I was just trying to help.
Theres nothing like the desire to help manifested in a most unhelpful way. The problem here was not, of course, Terris frustration with the builder or Jamies desire to be helpful. The problem Jamies ineffective advice giving as the only way she knew how to offer help.
First, she offered advice without asking whether Terri wanted any. Then she proceeded to offer suggestions without having any real knowledge of what had been tried so far or what had been considered and rejected as a strategy. She plunged in with minimal knowledge of the situation and its complexities, which resulted in Terri having to explain why each piece of advice wasnt helpful, something thats just wasteful replay for Terri. She also insulted Terris intelligence inadvertently, since its likely that Terri and her husband were probably capable of generating the obvious solutions on their own. In essence, Jamie ended up making the conversation all about her own good ideas instead of doing anything that Terri might find truly helpful. Neither woman needed more tension in their lives.
Next time you find yourself opening your mouth to give advice, close it again, at least for a moment. If youre an inveterate advice-giver, youll have to work extra hard to break a pattern. Instead of blindly giving counsel, ask:
- Can I be helpful in some way? What would help?
- What have you tried so far?
- Are there options youve considered but havent tried?
- I have some ideas you havent mentioned yet. Would you like to hear them?
Think prompter or "coach" instead of fixer.
Get your complimentary copy of Talking It Out in Ten, a worksheet and guide to help you think and prepare for your difficult conversations at work and home.
Dr. Tammy Lenski is a dialogue jump-starter, an expert at helping people talk out their differences and build stronger work and home relationships in the process. Tammy has helped individuals, work teams and entire organizations make their peace with conflict for almost two decades. Known for approaching sticky situations with an educators heart, professional mediators skill, and a creatives instinct, she taps her background as an organizational leader, college professor, executive coach and mediator to serve clients who dont just want to settle conflict but use it to transform their organization or themselves.
Tammy writes extensively about workplace conflict, coaching, and resolution at Lenski.com, where you can find over 400 articles to jump-start your own dialogues.
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